I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
