i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We left the knife in your bed.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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