1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
