A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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