just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
