a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My bed smells like the plague
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
