i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
