the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
