how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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