I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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