I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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