Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
