You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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