Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
