i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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