her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
