When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
whose parrot is this?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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