cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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