nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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