A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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