Moan for me like Helen Keller
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
