I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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