Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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