I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
