he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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