just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
