You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
