Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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