It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
