just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
