umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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