life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
