am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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