her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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