I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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