so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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