When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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