Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize