i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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