he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
