u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
