He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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