I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
