Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We need a shit load of segways right now
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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