shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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