oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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