East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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