My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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