I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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