HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
