giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
