Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
