i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Randomize
