Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
accomplished twins. life is a go
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
