I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
