Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
